art everyday - 30

I havent been creating.  Its bad, I know. It makes me sad that I havent been creating. But the desire has been sucked away by a not so little monster called depression. It snuck up on me about halfway through AEDM and left me standing there without my paintbrush, or any inspiraton. I know its hard to read about stuff like this. But if Im going to be real....if Im going to be authentic...then this is me being real and authentic. So I wont be offended if you just want to stop reading now....I hope you dont, but if you need to not read this, then go ahead.....

Depression is a funny thing. Sometimes its a great catalyst for Art, for Creating beauty out of hopelessness...I find that a lot of what I create comes out of a place of great angst. Ive often said that I dont understand why my art isnt all dark and gloomy and sad. I guess it's just that little place inside me, that place that still has some hope, screaming for its spot....just trying to be heard.

Lately tho there has been no desire to even pick up the paintbrush. My brain is mush, my heart is a bit numb. And Im having a really tough time finding any inspiration. There are glimpses, phrases I have written down, fleeting images that I know need to be put on the canvas. But right now it just feels so hard to even think about picking up the paintbrush, squeezing out the paint, and slapping it on the canvas.....not to mention the clean-up afterwards. So there they sit, there I sit with nothing....just empty canvases, both figuratively and literally.......

"Signpost" ©Kelley Miller

I am at a crossroads, with very blurry signposts.... And Im trying to decipher what they are saying. I do know tho that I have to be this thing called an Artist, I have to embrace it, I have to just decide that its who I am, no matter where I am living, who I am with, or how I am feeling, or where the road takes me. Remarkably the depression has actually facilitated this. It has made me stop dead in my tracks and take a good long look at who I really am, what I believe, and what I really want. I dont honestly know if I will ever get to be a nurse again. The one thing I worked for with all my heart mind and soul...and its not there anymore, and may never be. It breaks my heart.

There are so many other things that arent ever going to be what they were. So then now what?

"Heart in my Hands" ©Kelley Miller

I guess I just stand with my heart in my hands, trying not to look back and praying, praying, praying that the blurry signpost will become clear.....because right now it just isnt...

I hope for all of you that you find clarity wherever the road leads you.....

Kelley xo

art everyday - 18

After an internet meltdown due to a storm and a goofy router, and a bout with a 4 day migraine, I have been able to finally create again. Felt so great getting back to it after so long.

I was able to get some more work done on my "Winter" ATC's for a swap coming up. That little snowman is a stinker, and has given me a fair amount of grief. But I think we have made up, and we are both smiling now :) 

Im going to admit something to you now. My living situation is not something I want to become permanent. At one time I had hoped it would, but it has not worked out the way I had hoped. And because of that I haven't really put down any roots here. I haven't been able to just dig in, and settle in, and make it my own. Because of that, I dont have any artwork on my walls....zero, zilch, nada. Tell me, what kind of Artist has nothing on their walls? Anyway, all of my things are still 2500 miles away sitting in storage. The plan was to ship them out here when I got "settled". Well the settled feeling never occured and that left me without things for my walls. Back home, I have all sorts of great stuff like Artist prints, vintage goodness, wreaths, candle sconces.....you get the picture. But now it looks like its going to take me quite awhile to get back home. So now I have to aquire or create a few things to make me feel like this is home for now. After beating myself up for the last year and a half for the stupid decisions I made, I am finally feeling like it would be an okay thing to have surroundings that make me smile, and are inspiring, and colorful :) 

So today I began to build 3 canvases just for myself. What they will become, I dont know. But I recently acquired some vintage wallpaper that I wanted to use, so I treated myself to that. The color isnt there yet, but I have big plans to add a lot. Im going to paint myself 3 big reminders to live my life now. Im done waiting for what it's "supposed" to become. And I'm ready to embrace what it is....


Hope you too, are surrounding yourself with a life that inspires you....


Kelley xo