Tuesday, October 18, 2011

cone of shame.....

It been awhile since Ive posted here. Not good..I know. But its hard to post when you arent feeling particularly hopeful, or optimistic. But its where I am right now, and I have recently mentioned that I want to use this blog to keep account of my journey, both the good, the bad, and the in-between. So here goes....   
 
I am going to tell you story about a dog I once owned named Mabel. It is not about the Art I make. But it informs at every level the Art I make, because this last week I had an A-Ha moment while in counseling. That moment oddly enough, led me to compare my current view of life, to something my Dog went through. So please indulge me, and stay with the story. I promise it will make sense in the end.



I used to have the sweetest little dog. Her name was Mabel. She was a 22 lb. Black and White Cocker Spaniel. When she came to live with us it was estimated she was about 6 years old. We found her at a local pet rescue, and it was love at first sight. At first we thought perhaps she wasnt very smart, because she wouldnt respond to simple commands. Turns out she had lived with a Spanish speaking family for most of her life. We figured this out because we had some Spanish speaking family members, and one day we asked for them to call her and give her a simple command. She immediatley came to them and sat at their feet. But she quivered with fear as she obeyed. Somewhere along the way she had been abused. She showed other signs of this as well. She never barked..ever. She never was destructive (we wont talk about the whole bag of hot dog buns she so proudly ate, or the whole bag of foil wrapped candy that she consumed). She never demanded anything. She just gave us love. Pure unconditional Love. She was also a bit deaf, had sad little growths all over her body, and was a bit stinky....well very stinky. But we loved her anyway. She was just a walking pile of fur shaped love. Over time many of her little growths became bigger growths, and we had to have them removed. (sadly those little growths turned inward and ravaged her little body and took her from us far too soon) The Vet removed 11 growths from her tiny little body. When she came home she had "The Cone of Shame." As I do not have a picture of Mable in her Cone I will take the liberty here and post one of Doug.



If any of you saw the movie "UP", then you will remember "Doug", and his "Cone of Shame." And just a side note here.....This is one of the best movies EVER, and a must see. It will warm your heart for sure. Okay back to our story now....

Mabel was paralyzed by that Cone. Where I lived at the time, there were steps down to the backyard. She had to go through the back door and take those steps to go to do a basic life function. Because of the Cone, She wouldnt go through the door and she wouldnt go down the steps. She would try and take that first step, but because she couldnt see where she was going, and because that dang cone kept hitting the door frame, she would back up, and just sit there looking at me with those pitiful Cocker eyes. She would sit there until I picked her up and put her on the grass. She would do her business and when she was finished, because the Cone was obscuring her view, she would just sit right back down, paralyzed to move in any direction,  Of course as her loving and dutiful owner, I picked her up and put her back in the house. Let me just say....22lbs, while a small dog, is not an easy amount to lift..especially when there is a cumbersome Cone involved. But I did it anyway, because I loved her.

The solution to our problem here was to make the cone small enough so she had more control over what she saw, but still couldnt lick her wounds. So we got out the scissors and incrementally made it smaller. And slowly but surely Mabel had her mobility back, and her wounds were also able to heal.

I too am wearing a figurative "Cone of Shame". In the past few years I have made some horrible mistakes and made horrible decisions, and consequently, have found my self in a horrible situation. Those are my sad little growths all over my body, my soul. Although these growths are by my own doing. I feel immense shame over this. I find myself sitting at that doorway, needing to take care of my basic life business, unable to go through the door, or go down the steps. Im paralyzed because the Cone is obscuring my view.
While the cone has maybe helped me focus inward and help me to realize what it is I have to let heal. Im at the place where its time to start snipping away at the shame. So day by day, little by little, I have taken out the scissors and incrementally made that cone just a little bit smaller. I do that by Creating Art. I do that by talking to someone I trust. I do that by reaching out to a Community that gets me. I do that by writing it down and sharing the journey.

Snip, snip, snip....

Thank You Sweet Miss Mable, for teaching me life lessons, even long after you have gone....I miss you everyday <3

23 comments:

  1. Oh Kelley, not sure what you're going through but I can tell it's not easy. What a great story--very touching--poor Mabel. She was so lucky to have you. I pray that you're now healing as well.

    Jill

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  2. Awww, that's a great post and nice tribute to your lovely pet Mabel (which is my Mother's name!) All change comes with some pain and introspection. But when it's all over just think how far you'll have come!
    Lovingly your fellow flyer,
    Susan

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  3. Kelley thank you so much for sharing you beautiful story. tears are welling in my eyes as I can relate to your story. i had a dog that passed away two years ago from cancer. his name was ghost. he taught me many things. to read your experience comforts me. thank you my friend!

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  4. Kelley, Thank you for sharing this story with all of us. We just had to put one of our dogs down in July and I miss his so very much. We still have our little Miss Molly, but it's amazing what our dogs do for us humans who love them so. I pray that your cone of shame eventually disappears and you will feel yourself being whole again.

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  5. Kelley, thank you for sharing such personal feelings. It sounds to me like you are on a healing path. I'm here for you if you ever need me

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  6. Big love and bear hugs for you.

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  7. Kelley I have 2 cocker spaniels and am just amazed at their loving devotion. I'm not surprised that Mabel was an encouraging 'teacher' to you. I hope that as you work through your issues step by step your situation will improve
    blessings Ruth-Mary

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  8. thanks everyone so much for stopping by and leaving a comment. your support and love is felt through them. love and blessings to you all...

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  9. A beautiful post Kelley, thankyou for sharing your heart and such openess is so hard to share I know. This story that you've shared is very special and one we can all take a little piece of understanding and learning from. I shall take a moment to reflect inwardly on what this means for me and also to send you a big open hearted embrace. xxx

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  10. Sending lots of love and happy thoughts your way xo Julie

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  11. this is lovely - thanks for sharing xx

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  12. Wonderful metaphoric story Kelley. I see the light shining on you. And it seems, you are finally seeing it too. :)

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  13. God teaches us a lot through the precious creatures He gives us. As you cared for Mabel, so God is caring for you. You stand in NO shame where He is, and No shame with us. Life's a journey. And, the beauty of YOU unfolds in each step. You do not take the steps alone. Thanks for allowing us to walk with you.
    Enveloping you in a loving embrace,
    Dana

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  14. Kelley, I so appreciate you sharing your story. I could relate so well. Sharing tears with you. It is a good thing that when we mess up God is there to give us hope and pull us out of the mire.
    Would love to sit down for a cup of tea with you.
    Hugs,
    Deb

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  15. Kelley, you are so courageous to share your story with everyone. We all wear our own cone of shame. I think snipping away at it is a noble endeavor! Hugs from a former Louisvillian (my father's entire family is from Hardin County)...

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  16. Your artwork, your words and your honesty are beautiful.

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  17. Kelley - I just found your site through the Brave Girls "little birdie"...and I'm so glad I found it! I love the story you shared - I hope you will continue snip, snip, snipping away at that cone! I love your blog site - it's beautiful!

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  18. Kelley,
    It was so much fun to see your art in my inbox today from Brave Girls Club... It clearly was meant to be that you are featured in thier email! Sending hugs to you! I can very much relate and although I do not know what you are going through, I hope that each day gets easier and that your art brings you hope, joy, peace and healing. Your art is amazing!
    Kris (((hugs)))

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  19. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You sound like you are needing some love and compassion, I can relate to the feelings you shared. Sometimes it is hard to find someone you feel safe talking to, I am so glad you have been able to find that person. I hope you can continue in your growth and hope you will soon feel the love again soon. Peace to you!

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  20. P.S. I love your art work. Please continue to share with us, it is lovely!

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  21. I love that you shared this story and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  22. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story. I read it with tears in my eyes, tears for our nearly 14 yr. old lab whose remaining time with us, I know is very limited and tears for whatever it is that you are going through. Please know that you are not alone!

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  23. Kelly, this is so moving. "Art washes away the dust of everyday life." :-)

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