Wednesday, November 30, 2011

art everyday - 30

I havent been creating.  Its bad, I know. It makes me sad that I havent been creating. But the desire has been sucked away by a not so little monster called depression. It snuck up on me about halfway through AEDM and left me standing there without my paintbrush, or any inspiraton. I know its hard to read about stuff like this. But if Im going to be real....if Im going to be authentic...then this is me being real and authentic. So I wont be offended if you just want to stop reading now....I hope you dont, but if you need to not read this, then go ahead.....

Depression is a funny thing. Sometimes its a great catalyst for Art, for Creating beauty out of hopelessness...I find that a lot of what I create comes out of a place of great angst. Ive often said that I dont understand why my art isnt all dark and gloomy and sad. I guess it's just that little place inside me, that place that still has some hope
, screaming for its spot....just trying to be heard.

Lately tho there has been no desire to even pick up the paintbrush. My brain is mush, my heart is a bit numb. And Im having a really tough time finding any inspiration. There are glimpses, phrases I have written down, fleeting images that I know need to be put on the canvas. But right now it just feels so hard to even think about picking up the paintbrush, squeezing out the paint, and slapping it on the canvas.....not to mention the clean-up afterwards. So there they sit, there I sit with nothing....just empty canvases, both figuratively and literally.......

"Signpost" ©Kelley Miller



I am at a crossroads, with very blurry signposts.... And Im trying to decipher what they are saying. I do know tho that I have to be this thing called an Artist, I have to embrace it, I have to just decide that its who I am, no matter where I am living, who I am with, or how I am feeling, or where the road takes me. Remarkably the depression has actually facilitated this. It has made me stop dead in my tracks and take a good long look at who I really am, what I believe, and what I really want. I dont honestly know if I will ever get to be a nurse again. The one thing I worked for with all my heart mind and soul...and its not there anymore, and may never be. It breaks my heart.

There are so many other things that arent ever going to be what they were. So then now what?


"Heart in my Hands" ©Kelley Miller

I guess I just stand with my heart in my hands, trying not to look back and praying, praying, praying that the blurry signpost will become clear.....because right now it just isnt...

I hope for all of you that you find clarity wherever the road leads you.....

Kelley xo

15 comments:

  1. Kelley, so brave to be you, to be authentic and to share. I hope you are feeling the hug I'm giving you right now. Please let me know if I can do anything across the miles. Much love to you my friend.

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  2. Depression is a mean thing. Just keep moving. When you slow down you get stuck.

    xoxo L

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  3. Kelley, Thank you so much for sharing this. So many people don't want to discuss this, but I believe that EVERYONE sooner or later goes through bouts of depression. My sister fought it for years. Many don't want to even admit that they're depressed. I hope you're getting help (drugs and/or therapy are great). I've experienced it myself in the past, but never anything that last very long, thank goodness. Big hugs and hope you're feeling back to your old Kelley self real soon.

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  4. How brave you are! To open up about such a difficult and touchy subject. Depression can slip in so quietly, but once you face it and admit it, you are already on your way to recovery. Keeping busy everyday is key. I wish you the best of luck. Don't give up. We flygirls love you and will be there for you.

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  5. I totally feel where you are coming from. I am bi-polar and I have extreme highs and lows. I am still working with my doctor on getting my meds straight, so right now I feel exactly how you do. My get up and go has got up and went! No umph, or desire to do much of anything and it makes me feel like I've lost my creativity. Thank you so much for putting this into words so I know I am not the only one. :-) XOXO-Kelly

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  6. One day at a time Kells xoxo Kathy

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  7. Kelley,

    I can feel your pain through your words. I am so sorry for the challenges you are facing. You make amazing art and I know it is only a matter of time before your inspiration hits you and your fabulous gift will present itself to you... And hopefully your pain will diminish! Hang in there!
    Hugs & Love!!! Kris

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  8. I've been where you are and I don't think there are many things worse - I will be praying for you and CAN'T wait to meet for coffee in January! Thanks for being real. For me - one of the things that helped me heal - was deciding to be honest with myself and others no matter what. It was REALLY scary, but that is when everything started to slowly get better. I was depressed because I was trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be and not being the unique individual I was created to be. I hope that makes some sense . . . being honest, to me, means you are on the right road already and now it is just a matter of taking a little step each day and finding out where it leads! xo

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  9. I had situational depression for awhile about 15 years ago. After I didn't get out of bed for 5 days, a girlfriend came and got me and took me to her dr. who prescribed Paxil, which I took for a few months. It gave me just enough distance from the problems to give me room to breathe and figure things out. I think she may have saved my life.

    Hang on dear friend...you're a strong woman, and you WILL get through it. xoxo

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  10. Ugh I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Depression is not fun. I don't know if this is encouraging, but you're not alone -- not by a long shot. And the fact that you could write about it is very powerful. You're in my thoughts.

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  11. Depression is like any other sickness and you need to take time and take care of yourself and it will lift... I have watched my mother, father and sister all battle it their whole life and it does pass... I do admire that you can see it for what it is and that you can look at it as a way to find a way forward... there have been many times that they haven't been able to do that... good luck and be kind to yourself and thanks for sharing so honestly xx

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  12. Take care of yourself sweet flying sister. You are stronger than you know. We all are. You WILL find your way again and until then trust that the love of those who care for you will lift you up and see you through.

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  13. Hi sweet Kelley. The fact that you could share your feelings so truthfully here, tells me you can see past this moment in time. I think you are stronger than you know. I encourage you to turn towards your art when the big "D" hits. It isn't easy, but I so believe that through creative expression we can heal our hearts and calm our minds. Hugs to you my friend.

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  14. Kelley, I've been through some of this myself without going into great detail here, but I'm not going to say "I know how you feel" because I don't-everyone's situation is different. It's brave of you to share and I feel it in my heart for you. I pray that things will start looking up. Art actually has helped me through some things as well, and it still is, as nothing is "perfect" for me by any means. I hope you can find some peace and joy on the other side. So many of us are thinking of you wishing we could do more.

    Jill

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  15. (((big hugs))) As someone who has dealt with depression, I feel for you. Please celebrate what you've been able to do and let go of any guilt you may feel about what you haven't. And keep on creating in the ways that you can. It is healing!

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